…then imagine it flying around your living room.
I was in couch potato land happily watching the season finale of Flipping Out.I took a bathroom break and as I was coming out of the door I saw this dark shape flying back and forth next to the windows on the far side of the living room. A large fly,I assumed. No it didn’t fly like a fly, more vertical than horizontal flight and much much bigger than any fly I’d ever seen. A moth maybe,I hoped but I knew it wasn’t. It landed on top of the air conditioner and flexed it’s evil wings.It wasn’t a fly or a moth it was a massive cockroach.A massive, flying cockroach and probably the worst thing I could ever have to see while alone in the house.
I spent a long time in Dallas as a kid and we had the flying kind down there.They’d get in the house and take to the air,and they made noise when they flew like locusts,soaring around the light like moths.They horrified me and made turning off the light to go to sleep, knowing one was lurking, almost impossible.Decades later not much has changed.I’m still completely horrified and disgusted when I see one of these huge beasts scuttling about on the streets,leaping out at one when one is only wearing flip flops.
When I lived on 3rd street between C and D on the Lower East Side the time of the massive bugs would begin in July and stretch into late October.Thankfully they seem to be lovers of Tropical weather and would eventually go away when it got cold.Most folks do not have to share an apartment with them for whole summers. But I did.They would just appear high up on the wall out of the blue.I once knocked one down with a broom and bashed it a few times and it still got up and ran at me. While living in that place I developed a roach sensing sense.I’d get this feeling and sure enough one would appear and I’d have to spend all night stalking it until I killed it before I could even think about going to sleep.
My cat used to help. She’d stare at a spot where it was and I’d run to get it with the broom.And she’d keep helping me,too as long as it took.She was indispensable.
So tonight I hoped for a little help from Bozzio but he was oblivious.He was more disturbed by me pacing about by the bathroom(as far away from the monster as I could get) clutching a broom and whimpering. Being freaked out and having your own dog growl at you didn’t help. I could not use my cell phone,either because I didn’t pay the bill and could only receive calls. And the house phone was far too near the flying terror. I put the leash on Bozzio and ran out of there hoping to find a pay phone sooner or later.
Adam was in his studio in Dumbo, a short walk from our apartment.On the way there I did find a pay phone and told him the news. He was on his way. We met in the street and I told him where it was and he went on ahead back home to kill it. I got home hoping he had killed it only to hear he couldn’t find it!
I went into our bedroom to have a look and saw it dive under the bed.Adam went in with the broom and shut the door.I heard banging and was hopeful.But Adam came out and shook his head.”I hit him but then he ran and I lost him”. Oh crap.Over the next 3 hours Adam would go back in our bedroom and bash everything with the broom but with no luck.We watched part of a movie and he announced he was going to bed.In the Roach Room? I asked.He said I guess so.So I went in for one last look.There he was on top of our wardrobe waving his antennae and looking very much alive.
Adam went back in and shut the door.The banging went on longer, a good sign.I was standing by the door with another broom (just in case).The banging continued.Then I saw it run out from under the door. I hit it with the broom but it kept on going. I told you these are not normal bugs.It escaped under Bozzio’s training crate.My heart sank.But at least it looked a lot more…tired.While we were talking about it it strolled back into view and this time I was able to knock it senseless and I thought I’d killed it. Adam went to deal with the “remains” and it leaped at him full of horrible roach life! Adam yelped and began to pummel it to death to real and final death this time.
But the real question of the night and probably of the rest of the summer is:how did it get in?